Instacrap and Screenshits.

Social Media; What a pretentious term to refer to facebook fights between seventh graders and instgrammed tit pictures of asymmetrical girls going through something their parents will incorrectly describe as a “Phase.” 

Jobless, school-less and easily tricked, I’m an active member of the social media community. Another generous term to describe people with usersnames like, “ifuckedyourmom” arguing with “justinbeiberisgay” under a youtube video titled ”Fat Kid Falls off Trampoline.” 

Anyways, instagram has been around just long enough for me notice some trends I think are worth discussing in this cyber-social-interactive-media-group-outlet-blogging device.    

5 things instagram does not do.

1) Jumpstart your modeling career—Girls who are relatively good looking, mildly tall, basically skinny and sort of have bone structure, refer to instagram as a modeling side job. This side job is on the side of her actual job, gathering male followers tattooed with nautical stars.    

2) Jumpstart your comedy career—Any texting conversation that might be construed as abnormal by a robot or a republican makes its sepia tinted way onto instagram.

3) Make discarded beer cans look cool—As an underaged person, I say with some confidence that it’s hard for underaged people to talk about drinking without sounding like douche bags. “Dude my cousin knows the bouncer’s daughter’s rapist’s frenemy so we just got right in, dude. I didn’t even have to whip out my fake Minnesota.” Maybe I’m exaggerating, but taking pictures of Bud Light cans and mentally debating whether to throw on the Kelvin or Nashville tint doesn’t really help our image.   

4) Make you look cool—if social media has taught us anything, its that you can’t fool people who know you. You can fool people don’t know you, but I’m guessing if you want to impress them, you want to get to know them, and if you get to know them, they’ll find out that you’re not cool, so you’re fucked. But it’s okay not to be cool because no one is cool except for Jack Nicholson. 

5) Make you a good photographer—Just like taking a shit doesn’t make me a proctologist, using instagram does not make me a photographer. 

4 things it shouldn’t be used as

1) A portfolio—Unless you get attacked by a chimp or the Miami Causeway cannibal, you’re face generally looks the same all of the time. No need to put a picture of yourself on instagram everytime you apply some mascara. 

2) Photo Albums—Going to a party and taking fourteen low quality phone pictures is bad. Going to a party and using instagram to enhance fourteen low quality pictures is near apocalyptic. 

2) Taking pictures of pictures—You take a picture of something because it’s interesting and you want to remember it. Is taking a picture of a picture to help you remember it…more? 

3) Commentary—Instagram is tied to another app that allows people to write things across any picture they choose to post. In terms of errors in decision making, I’d say enabling this feature falls just shy of dropping the first atomic bomb. Get ready for a storm of completely average pictures strewn with phrases like, “YEAH, I’m a boss,” “SWAG,” and “I like dick.”

3 things it shouldn’t insight

1) Anger—This blog post exempt, nobody should feel copious amounts of anger towards of instagram. “ANYONE WHO USES INSTAGRAM IS A FAGGOT AND IT’S FOR FAG HIPSTERS TO PLAY PRETEND PHOTOGRAPHER”- Says a hipster who uses instagram. 

2) Cattiness—Using instagram to make people feel bad and/or alienated looks like this on a scale from bad to worse:

Being mean in person                  

Being mean over the phone

Being mean over texting

being mean over email

being mean over sign language

being mean over morse code

being mean over instagram 

3) jealousy— Instagram is photoshopping for middle class people. If you can’t afford for someone to professionally photoshop you, instagram will do it’s best to make you and the party you’re at look way better than in reality. 

When it’s useful 

1) standing in line at the supermarket—It’s cold and boring in the supermarket. Reposition your arms up to hide your nipples and start scrolling through. 

2) To see what you weren’t invited to—The opposite of having the time of your life is posting pictures on instagram, yet the feeling persists that when you’re home alone on a Saturday night, the rest of the interlocked-interconnected-social-media-instagram-instagood-world is having a better time than you are. 

Do I have one

Yes.