1) Everything you own will be touched, torn, broken, ruined, burned, lost or jizzed on in your first semester. People do not care about things that are not theirs. DVD’s, socks, make-up, electronics and tampons will be sucked into the black hole that is your graduating class.
2) Insecure people of average intelligence are going to make fun of you for choosing a major of average intelligence. As a communications/journalism major, I get the brunt of comments like, “I wish I was a comm major so I didn’t have to do anything all day,” or “I only have a low GPA because I’m chemistry major.” I could major in something extremely difficult, of which I have no interest in, and receive a horrible GPA, but oddly enough, I don’t think I’m going to do that.
3) You will become poor at the expense of mere acquaintances. People you barely know will beg for cab money, food money or just plain money followed by, “I promise I’ll buy you a drink at the bar.” Do not count on this. You are no drunk persons first priority. Getting fucked, peeing and buying drinks for themselves are all things come before you.
4) You will inherit peoples bullshit problems. Other peoples hunger, thirst, anger, forgotten fake I.D’s, boy problems, broken electronics and deep-seeded daddy issues will indisputably become your own. Because everyone is a tiny sensitive baby, I recommend you keep your feelings to yourself and continue to inherit the bullshit without so much as a grimace.
5) Your bowel movements will become extremely irregular at the hands of Sodexo dining services, (especially the scrambled eggs). Although you may have never killed a man, raped a child or served time, you will be forced to eat prison food for most of your college career. An alternative would be to buy food off campus, but giving strangers cab money and replacing your broken personal items will have you financially ruined.
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