Designated Driver.

Boys have never done better at something because they were better at it. This applies 100% to driving. Me and my 5 failed driving tests aside, I know plenty of good female drivers and plenty of shitty male ones. Boys don’t like to let girls drive while they sit in the passenger seat because it hurts their brains and penises at an equal measure.

Boys forget that women haven’t been driving for as long as men have. For a very long time, before increased birth control and decreased religious control, women were slaves to their bodies and to their homes and never learned to drive. The stagnation has followed us into the 21st century and has created a self fulfilling prophecy of bad driving. This is the same prophecy that created 2 Chainz and encouraged Will Smith to rap.

Women are less likely than men to do these things while driving:

Yell at strangers who cannot hear a word they are saying: “I DON’T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY ASSHOLE.” Not only is screaming at someone who can’t hear you embarrassing, it’s pointless because you have nowhere to fucking go. Work doesn’t count, school doesn’t count and racing home to smoke and watch Archer doesn’t count. Wife in labor, house on fire and diarrhea are the only exceptions. 

Ride someone’s ass: This problem can, once again, be solved when you realize that you are NOT important and have NOWHERE to be. Boys have a hard time distinguishing themselves from their cars. You’d think it’d be easy because, well, a human looks nothing like a car, but go figure. If you have a faster, better and/or strongercar than the one in front of you, that does not mean thatyou are a faster, stronger, better person. I promise.

Comment on people’s park jobs: If making fun of someone’s parallel park job makes you feel better about yourself, that’s awesome. I wish I could watch someone botch a parallel park job from the corner of my eye and love myself more because of it.

Demand road head: Look for a guy who drives a stick to avoid this. They look at their penis. They look at you and shrug, a gesture that asks the pleading question, “Why not?” Sometimes you can’t think of a “why not,” so you just do it and the pre cum jitters almost get you into a head on collision, forcing you to nearly die in the worst way ever.

There’s also car racing, getting mad at getting lost and other shit that I’m too tired to go into.