Why Football Sucks.

Football season is among us, and it has done nothing more than remind me that I hate football. Some of you could argue that me hating football is synonymous with me hating America. Some of you could also argue that me hating football is synonymous with me not wanting to watch meatheads dry hump each other up and down a field all day.

My mom and dad never watched football, and they never made me watch football, and that’s mostly why I love them. 

My parents made me watch other horrible things, like "Drumline," but I don’t hold it against them. 

Why I won’t be watching the Superbowl or any other preceding game. 

1) Watching people ruin their bodies for my entertainment, while flattering, is sick and demented. I don’t like watching people sustain head injuries, (unless it’s on America’s Funniest Home Videos) for, something that desperate fans justify as, “The passion of the sport.”

2) Fanatics too emotionally involved in the game become loud and annoying. It’s borderline endearing to watch these crazed fans empathize so intensely with the play that they need to scream things at a television. It’s also borderline depressing. Just like how a little boy with a hose doesn’t make him a firefighter, an angry man with a jersey doesn’t make him a football player. 

3) The clock is broken. Eleven minutes football time means 3 hours real time. I know there’s some longwinded explanation about why everything takes so long, but I don’t care to learn it. The whole game is one big cock tease till the finish.. 

4) People who say they like football don’t like football. Who gets belligerently drunk before watching something they enjoy? Numbing yourself with shitty beer is usually reserved for at home piercings and consulting once-suppressed memories. 

5) You have to watch random nobodies turn into referees. Fans somehow think that their college degree in Nobodyfuckingcares, and 8 years of football watching experience with their daddy turns them into an NFL referee. “DUDE they totally shoulda done the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah play. YO fuck that ref. I would do a way better job.” Sure.