The Weeding Out Process.

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived,

reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

- Audrey Hepburn.

I have never agreed less with a quote. For me, life is a weeding-out process. People seem to forget that friendship is voluntary. For example, if a woman has a baby, that woman becomes a mother. If she neglects that baby, she will be arrested and put in jail. Friends, on the other hand, you do not have to nurture, feed, clothe, wipe or look after by law, (These same rules apply to extended family). If someone gossips about you, smells bad, likes Ke$ha, talks only about themselves, or has a hideous staring problem, get rid of them. If you catch me exhibiting any of the traits I’ve just mentioned, feel free to get rid of me too.

People to dispose of ASAP: 

1) Boys who pretend to be cars: At first I was confused. How could an automobile create a facebook account? But then I realized, it wasn’t a car; it was a boy pretending to be a car. Anyone using a car for their profile picture is a douche bag. If you’re the type of girl who likes to make sandwiches, deliver sandwiches, have their sandwich making-abilities criticized and/or go shopping for sandwich supplies, boys who pretend to be cars are certainly your type. 

2) Self-Proclaimed Geniuses: People who are not teachers have no need to post grades, EVER. But as we all know, one of the major cornerstones American democracy is freedom of speech, press and religion. So you feel free you post your grades online, and the rest of the world will feel free to laugh at you for being the worst person ever.

3) The competitor: These are girls who fight with each other over a boy and then waste precious minutes of your life talking to you about it. I mean, there are almost 7 billion people in the world, but yeah, I’m sure this guy was the one. 

4) The Ultimate Texter: Anyone who gives you attitude or tries to start a fight over texting is a huge wimp and needs to be disposed of immediately. Being berated over the lowest form of communication possible is rarely effective and never flattering. (Using caps lock doesn’t let me know you’re angry, it only lets me know you pushed the caps lock button).

5) The Condescend-er: People who say very condescending things to you because they don’t think you’ll catch on.. Here’s one of the regular questions I’ve been asked while home on break, “Hey How’s College? Are they letting you back next semester?”-(extended family member I cannot release the name of). I can only assume they asked this question because they supposed my grades were so poor that my college had to seriously consider whether or not they wanted me back for further education. I answered politely, of course. “Ha. Ha. Ha. Yes, they’re allowing me back. I’m as surprised as you are!” (Avoiding confrontation by being polite is the best choice. Being honest runs the risk of an argument ensuing, and being involved in an argument with someone you don’t care about is even more painful than your most painful shit ever).

So, if you were on the fence about me, I think I’ve made up your mind. Weed me out, I beg you.