Signs Of A Dirty Food Thief

Why is it that people automatically assume you are willing to share your food with them? These compulsive food thieves may seem like a random assortment of people, but do not be fooled. These people are a type. They are a despicable breed of human. These people are nothing but sheltered and educated bums, begging like stray dogs for your food scraps. More often than not, food thieves have the following traits: 

1) They are nasty chewers. They roll their tongues around their mouths as if they have no control of the muscle. The tongue hits the lips and the roof of the mouth and creates a horrible sticky smacking sound. It sounds like a baby eating mashed up peas or like an old lady giving a blow-job before she puts her dentures in. This noise is especially annoying when the food they're chewing is yours. 
2) They are "healthy" people. They work out and shop at Whole Foods and eat sprouts and grains. They pretend they're a part of the nomadic hunter-gatherer society. Needless to say, they're the berry picking gatherers. They will laugh at the large portions and fatty foods that fill your lunch tray. They are the type to go out to dinner, talk about how hungry they are and then order a house salad with balsamic dressing and a water with lemon. The thief, unsatisfied with their own meal will then resort to other peoples food to get their fix. Right before your seething eyes, their house salad suddenly includes your chicken parm and your friends slice of pizza. 
3) They are self-concious people. The food addict will constantly monitor their plate, making sure they don't fill it with too much food. They won't go up for seconds unless a friend goes with them because that would be "embarrassing" and would make them look "fat." They will interrupt your meal to compulsively ask you if there's food in their teeth.
4) They are jealous people. The beggar does not want to see you exercise or eat healthy. They see this as a threat. Also, if you begin to eat healthy, they won't have the option of stealing your fatty foods, (their secret guilty pleasure.) 

What to look for: As soon as the beggar smells food, they will drift into your room. They will pretend they want to make conversation with you and enjoy your company, but this is all part of a plan. They will eye your food cautiously in a downward peeping motion and say, 'Ohhh, you got food? I had no idea you were getting food. That looks soooo good. I'm just gonna grab a bite." As soon as the beggar gets their fill, they will exit as swiftly as they entered. 
Their are some ways to help this problem. You can cough/sneeze on your food or you can touch it with your bare hands and then casually mention how you forgot to wash them after going to the bathroom.
thieves, please do away with your false sense of pride and your attempts to eat a balanced diet. Order what you want and eat your own food. This will help you to look less like an asshole.
only eat someones food if:
1) Someone offers it to you. (be sure to differentiate between someone who gives you an obligatory offer and someone who actually wants you to have their food)
2) They're about to throw it out. 
following these rules will increase your life span since less people will want to kill you.