There’s always someone trying to convince you otherwise of something. This something most often relates back to sex. And even more often, this something is a huge lie.
Overbearing friends, Matthew Mcconaughey enthusiasts and the producers of Crazy Stupid Lovehave all, in some way or another, tried to convince you that certain things are sexy, intimate and romantic, when in reality, they’re actually pretty repulsive.
If you start to feel like you’re doing something wrong because your boyfriend doesn’t rub your feet with lavender scented lotion at night, buy you boxes of lavender scented tampons or pick you up and spin you around every time he sees you, don’t worry. If your boyfriend doesn’t do these things, its probably because he’s not a huge pussy.
So fuck your friend who told you her boyfriend went down on her for six hours. And forget about making out in the rain and tearing each others clothes off in a coat closet.
Things that are not as sexy as they seem:
1) Staying in and drinking wine: This one actually is pretty sexy…if you’re not me. I should also mention that “drinking wine” should also include your partner. You should not end up having consumed an entire bottle before your date arrives and then proceed to vomit uncontrollably and weep when he gets there…..not that that’s happened to me or anything.
2) Showering together: You’re naked, you’re wet, you’re covered in bubbles. What’s not to be sexy? Lot’s of shit, actually. First of all, you both have to agree on a temperature. If he happens to like the water tepid, and you like it hotter than satan’s balls, you’ve already got a problem. Once you’re in the shower, you realize you have to share the water with a whole other person. Things become systematic and shower water, shampoo and soap becomes rationed between two people. The laws of romanticism don’t really allow you to wash your ass or shave your armpits, so essentially the shower is pointless. You’ll be forced to wash your tits for fifteen minutes even though they probably weren’t that dirty in the first place. Then, you might get soap in your eye. It’s not that uncommon to get soap in your eye during a shower. This will cause you to scream very unladylike obscenities before running into a wall.
3) Making out in the rain: If you’re not Rachel McAdams, or any other beautiful robot built by Warner Bros, making out in the rain is actually pretty terrifying. Rachel McAdams is really goodlooking. This might mean she doesn’t wear as much make up as a normal-looking human. When a normal girl is caught in the rain on a date, she ends up looking like Gene Simmons in full make-up. Did I mention that rain is cold and uncomfortable and that the guy you’re with probably isn’t well-versed enough in romantic comedies to understand just how intimate this rain is supposed to be?
4) Serenading someone: Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really awkward when someone sings, dances or plays an instrument for my personal enjoyment. Do you smile at them? nod your head in approval? clap at the end of the song? take off your top?
5) Sex on the beach or submerged in water: Unless you enjoy the feeling of sandpaper on your bare skin, I suggest you don’t have sex in a place where sand is guarenteed to get lodged deep into your body. Also, good luck having sex with most of your body under water. I imagine it would look something like slow motion astronaut sex. I think it’s worth adding that the woman will probably come out of this whole underwater adventure with a raging UTI.
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