AD: BED FOR SALE.

COT NEEDED: I am seriously considering selling my bed and replacing it with a cot or hammock. Or, perhaps I'll just move my bed into the bathroom since almost everybody treats it like a toilet anyways. I guess the pillows, sheets, quilt and stuffed animal obviously aren't enough to distinguish a BED from a TOILET. I strongly feel that replacing my bed with a cot would cut down on the number of bodily fluids that people have been releasing on my mattress. 
So, for any of you potential buyers, I feel ethically inclined to tell you a little bit about my bed. Within the past few weeks, it has been peed on, vomited on and used as a place to empty Poland Springs water bottles. Yesterday, while washing my sheets for the fourth time this month, I found mysterious poop stains on my mattress cover. Hoping it was chocolate, I took my chances and bent down to smell the stain. It was not chocolate. After finding a yet another skidmark on my stuffed animal and a mysterious white stain on my pillow, I have decided to include these with the sale of my bed for free.

Every bodily fluid besides breast milk has been released on my bed this month. Although I'm sure the second someone gets pregnant, they'll be magnetically drawn to my bed to christen it. I'm well aware that these defecations have decreased the value of my bed. But please understand this, potential buyers, after a couple of sleeping pills and some light meditation, you almost forget about the fact the fact that your sleeping in discarded shit, piss, vomit, semen and a Poland Springs river.

-Price is subject to change and I am willing to bargain.
BED FOR SALE.