Swallowing Sin.

There's sin flying on her face
And a little on the floor
There's a
Knock
Knock
Knocking
'Cause someone's at the door.

There's sin matted in her hair
And on the ceiling fan
How did all this happen?
He only used his hand.

It's on the family photo
It's stickier than I thought
There's sin on the silverware
And it's even in the pots.

I'd try to wash it off
But some got inside the shower
It's dripping off my Garnier
Sin tastes a little sour.

I'll need a miracle to clean this
And the day is wearing thinner
I'd close my hands to pray
But I can't 'cause I'm a sinner.

Why Football Sucks.

Football season is among us, and it has done nothing more than remind me that I hate football. Some of you could argue that me hating football is synonymous with me hating America. Some of you could also argue that me hating football is synonymous with me not wanting to watch meatheads dry hump each other up and down a field all day.

My mom and dad never watched football, and they never made me watch football, and that’s mostly why I love them. 

My parents made me watch other horrible things, like "Drumline," but I don’t hold it against them. 

Why I won’t be watching the Superbowl or any other preceding game. 

1) Watching people ruin their bodies for my entertainment, while flattering, is sick and demented. I don’t like watching people sustain head injuries, (unless it’s on America’s Funniest Home Videos) for, something that desperate fans justify as, “The passion of the sport.”

2) Fanatics too emotionally involved in the game become loud and annoying. It’s borderline endearing to watch these crazed fans empathize so intensely with the play that they need to scream things at a television. It’s also borderline depressing. Just like how a little boy with a hose doesn’t make him a firefighter, an angry man with a jersey doesn’t make him a football player. 

3) The clock is broken. Eleven minutes football time means 3 hours real time. I know there’s some longwinded explanation about why everything takes so long, but I don’t care to learn it. The whole game is one big cock tease till the finish.. 

4) People who say they like football don’t like football. Who gets belligerently drunk before watching something they enjoy? Numbing yourself with shitty beer is usually reserved for at home piercings and consulting once-suppressed memories. 

5) You have to watch random nobodies turn into referees. Fans somehow think that their college degree in Nobodyfuckingcares, and 8 years of football watching experience with their daddy turns them into an NFL referee. “DUDE they totally shoulda done the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah play. YO fuck that ref. I would do a way better job.” Sure. 

Observations from my Window.

I’ve lived in an apartment since June.

We’ve caught exactly 1 mouse. 

My parents still pay my rent, so I can only imagine how bitter I’ll be when I’m paying my own way in life. 

My bedroom window faces a busy street, and optimistic people tell me it’s a great spot for people watching. I kind of agree, but I also kind of think it’s a great place to perch and hate people from a safe distance. 

What I’ve observed from having a window that faces the street.

1) Girls have more emotions than I thought they did. My window usually does a pretty good job of muffling drunk girls' crying, but sometimes I open the window to get a better listen. From what I hear out on the streets, girls are saving their precious tears for lax bros that fucked them and never called them ever, ever, ever again. Who knew? He seemed like such a nice guy!  

2) Boys have more testosterone than I thought I did. Last week I watched two boys fight each other over half a chicken cutlet sandwich. The smaller boy slammed the larger boy into the top of a gold Toyota. I was proud of the underdog. The boys wrestled each other in what looked to be a homoerotic struggle for a piece of poultry, until the sandwich ended up in the middle of the street. Then, nobody wanted it. The boys decided a piece of dry, street chicken wasn’t enough to break up their worthy alliance and shook hands.  

3) Everyone drives like an asshole. People with penis’ burn rubber outside my window so they can make it to a stop sign one block away, in record time. The pattern continues for the next 5 stop signs. It’s really impressive and it makes me think highly of your parents.  

4) People don’t know what garbages are used for. Last month I heard glass break outside my bedroom window. It was a kid who looked like Ferguson, (From Clarissa Explains it All), tossing a Captain Morgan bottle onto the apartment steps. Steps sort of look like a garbage can, right? Used condoms, rotten tangerines and old socks also have a tendency to collect on the block. 

5) The front of my building doubles as a late night diner. “D00000000000000D, this looks like a mad chill place to eat our sandwiches from the deli.”-Everyone, ever, every night. I’ll tell you now that it’s not a good place to, “Sit and chill, man.” Dogs shit on those stairs every night, and I’m sure even some humans do, too. The student's eat their stolen Jasper Deli Sandwiches and I listen to dumb girl accent, followed by dumb boy accent, followed by making out with chunks of Boars Head turkey still stuck to their teeth. 

“Lykeeee are you gonnnaaa texxxxt me?!?!”

Uh...ha...Uh...ha yeah babe. (spits). 

5 Things Guys Don't Know Girls Do.

Not caring about getting fucked + remembering that you’re going to die is the absolute formula for not caring what people think of you. That’s why I’m going to let you in on some secrets about girls.

Girls:

MASTURBATE

We do and it’s awesome and we don’t need a sock and it doesn’t look like we’re giving ourselves an Indian burn.

SHIT

We have an asshole, and don’t pretend we don’t. You’ve seen it during doggie style, and during any other style that insists the back of my head be touching the front of your face. So, yes, That asshole that you so badly want to stick things in, expels poop, almost everyday.

(It kills me to write style after doggie. There is absolutely nothing stylish about being down on all fours, nose tapping against a wall and balls bouncing off your leg.)

WAX OUR MUSTACHE

Some girls bleach it, but then again some girls end up with a blonde mustache. I remember the first time I waxed my upper lip. My dad did it for me. A boy in my 5th grade class approached me, sincerely confused, and said, “I thought only boys were supposed to have mustaches.”

SHAVE THEIR ASSHOLES

We do, (Maybe). Depending on your hair color and if you’re still into that whole, “Shave anything that blows in the wind” mentality.

FART

YUP. We fart and we laugh about it and we talk about how embarrassing it would be if any guy heard us, but guys are never around to hear it. They’re always off giving themselves Indian burns.

Designated Driver.

Boys have never done better at something because they were better at it. This applies 100% to driving. Me and my 5 failed driving tests aside, I know plenty of good female drivers and plenty of shitty male ones. Boys don’t like to let girls drive while they sit in the passenger seat because it hurts their brains and penises at an equal measure.

Boys forget that women haven’t been driving for as long as men have. For a very long time, before increased birth control and decreased religious control, women were slaves to their bodies and to their homes and never learned to drive. The stagnation has followed us into the 21st century and has created a self fulfilling prophecy of bad driving. This is the same prophecy that created 2 Chainz and encouraged Will Smith to rap.

Women are less likely than men to do these things while driving:

Yell at strangers who cannot hear a word they are saying: “I DON’T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY ASSHOLE.” Not only is screaming at someone who can’t hear you embarrassing, it’s pointless because you have nowhere to fucking go. Work doesn’t count, school doesn’t count and racing home to smoke and watch Archer doesn’t count. Wife in labor, house on fire and diarrhea are the only exceptions. 

Ride someone’s ass: This problem can, once again, be solved when you realize that you are NOT important and have NOWHERE to be. Boys have a hard time distinguishing themselves from their cars. You’d think it’d be easy because, well, a human looks nothing like a car, but go figure. If you have a faster, better and/or strongercar than the one in front of you, that does not mean thatyou are a faster, stronger, better person. I promise.

Comment on people’s park jobs: If making fun of someone’s parallel park job makes you feel better about yourself, that’s awesome. I wish I could watch someone botch a parallel park job from the corner of my eye and love myself more because of it.

Demand road head: Look for a guy who drives a stick to avoid this. They look at their penis. They look at you and shrug, a gesture that asks the pleading question, “Why not?” Sometimes you can’t think of a “why not,” so you just do it and the pre cum jitters almost get you into a head on collision, forcing you to nearly die in the worst way ever.

There’s also car racing, getting mad at getting lost and other shit that I’m too tired to go into.

Instacrap and Screenshits.

Social Media; What a pretentious term to refer to facebook fights between seventh graders and instgrammed tit pictures of asymmetrical girls going through something their parents will incorrectly describe as a “Phase.” 

Jobless, school-less and easily tricked, I’m an active member of the social media community. Another generous term to describe people with usersnames like, “ifuckedyourmom” arguing with “justinbeiberisgay” under a youtube video titled ”Fat Kid Falls off Trampoline.” 

Anyways, instagram has been around just long enough for me notice some trends I think are worth discussing in this cyber-social-interactive-media-group-outlet-blogging device.    

5 things instagram does not do.

1) Jumpstart your modeling career—Girls who are relatively good looking, mildly tall, basically skinny and sort of have bone structure, refer to instagram as a modeling side job. This side job is on the side of her actual job, gathering male followers tattooed with nautical stars.    

2) Jumpstart your comedy career—Any texting conversation that might be construed as abnormal by a robot or a republican makes its sepia tinted way onto instagram.

3) Make discarded beer cans look cool—As an underaged person, I say with some confidence that it’s hard for underaged people to talk about drinking without sounding like douche bags. “Dude my cousin knows the bouncer’s daughter’s rapist’s frenemy so we just got right in, dude. I didn’t even have to whip out my fake Minnesota.” Maybe I’m exaggerating, but taking pictures of Bud Light cans and mentally debating whether to throw on the Kelvin or Nashville tint doesn’t really help our image.   

4) Make you look cool—if social media has taught us anything, its that you can’t fool people who know you. You can fool people don’t know you, but I’m guessing if you want to impress them, you want to get to know them, and if you get to know them, they’ll find out that you’re not cool, so you’re fucked. But it’s okay not to be cool because no one is cool except for Jack Nicholson. 

5) Make you a good photographer—Just like taking a shit doesn’t make me a proctologist, using instagram does not make me a photographer. 

4 things it shouldn’t be used as

1) A portfolio—Unless you get attacked by a chimp or the Miami Causeway cannibal, you’re face generally looks the same all of the time. No need to put a picture of yourself on instagram everytime you apply some mascara. 

2) Photo Albums—Going to a party and taking fourteen low quality phone pictures is bad. Going to a party and using instagram to enhance fourteen low quality pictures is near apocalyptic. 

2) Taking pictures of pictures—You take a picture of something because it’s interesting and you want to remember it. Is taking a picture of a picture to help you remember it…more? 

3) Commentary—Instagram is tied to another app that allows people to write things across any picture they choose to post. In terms of errors in decision making, I’d say enabling this feature falls just shy of dropping the first atomic bomb. Get ready for a storm of completely average pictures strewn with phrases like, “YEAH, I’m a boss,” “SWAG,” and “I like dick.”

3 things it shouldn’t insight

1) Anger—This blog post exempt, nobody should feel copious amounts of anger towards of instagram. “ANYONE WHO USES INSTAGRAM IS A FAGGOT AND IT’S FOR FAG HIPSTERS TO PLAY PRETEND PHOTOGRAPHER”- Says a hipster who uses instagram. 

2) Cattiness—Using instagram to make people feel bad and/or alienated looks like this on a scale from bad to worse:

Being mean in person                  

Being mean over the phone

Being mean over texting

being mean over email

being mean over sign language

being mean over morse code

being mean over instagram 

3) jealousy— Instagram is photoshopping for middle class people. If you can’t afford for someone to professionally photoshop you, instagram will do it’s best to make you and the party you’re at look way better than in reality. 

When it’s useful 

1) standing in line at the supermarket—It’s cold and boring in the supermarket. Reposition your arms up to hide your nipples and start scrolling through. 

2) To see what you weren’t invited to—The opposite of having the time of your life is posting pictures on instagram, yet the feeling persists that when you’re home alone on a Saturday night, the rest of the interlocked-interconnected-social-media-instagram-instagood-world is having a better time than you are. 

Do I have one

Yes.

5 Reasons Not to go to College.

1) Everything you own will be touched, torn, broken, ruined, burned, lost or jizzed on in your first semester. People do not care about things that are not theirs. DVD’s, socks, make-up, electronics and tampons will be sucked into the black hole that is your graduating class.

2) Insecure people of average intelligence are going to make fun of you for choosing a major of average intelligence. As a communications/journalism major, I get the brunt of comments like, “I wish I was a comm major so I didn’t have to do anything all day,” or “I only have a low GPA because I’m chemistry major.” I could major in something extremely difficult, of which I have no interest in, and receive a horrible GPA, but oddly enough, I don’t think I’m going to do that.

3) You will become poor at the expense of mere acquaintances. People you barely know will beg for cab money, food money or just plain money followed by, “I promise I’ll buy you a drink at the bar.” Do not count on this. You are no drunk persons first priority. Getting fucked, peeing and buying drinks for themselves are all things come before you.

4) You will inherit peoples bullshit problems. Other peoples hunger, thirst, anger, forgotten fake I.D’s, boy problems, broken electronics and deep-seeded daddy issues will indisputably become your own. Because everyone is a tiny sensitive baby, I recommend you keep your feelings to yourself and continue to inherit the bullshit without so much as a grimace.

5) Your bowel movements will become extremely irregular at the hands of Sodexo dining services, (especially the scrambled eggs). Although you may have never killed a man, raped a child or served time, you will be forced to eat prison food for most of your college career. An alternative would be to buy food off campus, but giving strangers cab money and replacing your broken personal items will have you financially ruined.